The transition from a stable relationship to overwhelming loneliness
Many times what we fear is not the dark itself, but being alone in it. Convinced that the light we were so used to will not return, so there is only the memory of its warmth, and a terrible sense of longing. That has been my life for almost two years—and I am tired of it.
I was in a five-year relationship before going to college, and it ended in August of 2018 as a mutual agreement that we wouldn’t consider long-distance. We were also falling out of love without ever addressing it, and that was something I came to realize in the final year of that beautiful relationship. In the end, we were more like best friends instead of a romantic couple, with sex and physical contact being a mere afterthought. There was love, but it was decadent, and even though the separation was painful, it was easier to move on with life because of how things were.
The absence of a girlfriend who was part of my life for five years was crippling at first. It was like losing a limb, a support that was no longer there, and getting used to that new state meant battling against a constant reminder of loneliness. I woke up to an empty lockscreen every day.
No more “Good morning, my love.”
Only a palpable silence.
I found a good friend group in college, had people who cared about me, and yet still inside I felt alone. I wasn’t exactly missing my ex as an individual, but rather the feeling of being loved by someone. I think that is why I started falling for others so quickly, and with the kind of intensity that only ended up hurting me.
[Song: Fuck, I’m Lonely, Lauv]
Here’s a summary of my experiences with people I’ve tried to love since:
1. Winter
[Song: IFHY, Tyler the Creator]
Interlude
In my country there is a phrase that goes: “Un clavo saca a otro clavo.”
One nail removes another. I’ve found that philosophy to be very true… but unhealthy. To get over a crush, I fell onto another and made it a habit.
2. Spring
[Song: Just Another Girl, The Killers]
3. Summer - Fall
[Song: Lonely, Noah Cyrus]
Interlude
At this point I wasn’t even surprised. My mind drowned itself in the belief that no one would be interested in me again. I also tried Tinder and nothing worthwhile came out of that. Only a lower self-esteem.
4. Winter
Finale
What hurt me weren’t the rejections themselves, but getting my hopes up and feeling a temporary moment of happiness (during a period of constantly feeling like shit) just to get it taken away right after. If only these people had been honest with me from the start, it would have saved me from a lot of trouble. It really isn’t that hard to be honest.
Right now I’m pretty exhausted of the seemingly endless cycle but just can’t help falling for other people. Ever heard that song called Someone New by Hozier? Well, that’s my life. I’ve been interested in someone since this past spring, and with each new season, there are new feelings.
Un clavo saca a otro calvo, right? But what removes that sense of loneliness? I have no idea.
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