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From Lover to Lonely

The transition from a stable relationship to overwhelming loneliness

Many times what we fear is not the dark itself, but being alone in it. Convinced that the light we were so used to will not return, so there is only the memory of its warmth, and a terrible sense of longing. That has been my life for almost two years—and I am tired of it. 

I was in a five-year relationship before going to college, and it ended in August of 2018 as a mutual agreement that we wouldn’t consider long-distance. We were also falling out of love without ever addressing it, and that was something I came to realize in the final year of that beautiful relationship. In the end, we were more like best friends instead of a romantic couple, with sex and physical contact being a mere afterthought. There was love, but it was decadent, and even though the separation was painful, it was easier to move on with life because of how things were. 

The absence of a girlfriend who was part of my life for five years was crippling at first. It was like losing a limb, a support that was no longer there, and getting used to that new state meant battling against a constant reminder of loneliness. I woke up to an empty lockscreen every day. 

No more “Good morning, my love.”
Only a palpable silence.

I found a good friend group in college, had people who cared about me, and yet still inside I felt alone. I wasn’t exactly missing my ex as an individual, but rather the feeling of being loved by someone. I think that is why I started falling for others so quickly, and with the kind of intensity that only ended up hurting me.