Voicing an opinion about sex to your partner doesn’t have to be uncomfortable.
Have you ever been with your significant other and wanted to have sex, but didn’t necessarily know how to communicate what you wanted? I ran into this problem when I wanted more intimate and romantic sex in my relationship.
“Make love” is a common phrase used to describe this kind of intimacy. However, the thought of asking my boyfriend if he wants to “make love” gives me the ick and lowkey makes me want to puke.
We didn’t know how to communicate this want to each other. There were many moments of confusion before, during and after we would have sex. We would say things like:
“Is this gonna be that thing?”
“Are we umm, you know?”
“What was that?”
“Did we just *cringe* make love?”
It was time we talked about the issue.
Here’s how I started the conversation.
When I decided to have a conversation with my boyfriend about “making love,” it was at the beginning of our relationship, so I still felt awkward. After thinking about it for a while I decided to just go for it — rip off the bandaid. If I could have sex with him, then I could have a conversation with him, right?
The answer is yes! I told him how uncomfortable the phrase “make love” made me feel and he was really understanding about it. He took the time to listen to my opinions, which made me realize my fear of this talk was totally unnecessary. Did this conversation completely solve the problem? No, because we still couldn’t figure out a new name for “make love,” but it did make me feel a lot more comfortable with him, and him with me.
After having really passionate sex (right after said conversation) I looked at my boyfriend and said, “was that it?” And so, “making love” became “it.” The conversation may not have been the conclusion to our issue, but it certainly made us both more comfortable talking about our intimacy.
It made me realize that sex is a very personal thing for EVERYBODY.
One of the most important things to remember during sex is that your comfort matters! If you aren’t 100% comfortable, it might be time to make some changes. For me, that change was as simple as switching a word but whatever it is for you and your partner, try talking to them in a way that works best for you.
It can be incredibly awkward to start these conversations, but if you approach it with good intentions and make your concerns clear, it’s way easier. Imagine if I had gone to my boyfriend and said “Hey, I don’t like saying ‘make love,’” he might have felt overwhelmed by the statement. Instead, I approached it in a gentle way that reminded him that I love what we are doing, but I needed a little change.
If you and your partner aren’t comfortable with something that’s going on during your intimate time together, talk with them! There is no reason to rush into a conversation if you don’t feel like you are ready to. Take your time processing your feelings. Find a moment to bring it up when you and your partner are comfortable together. When the time comes, listen, and make space for your partner to have a say in the conversation as well. If you both listen to each other’s thoughts, it can help the conversation move more smoothly.
Take it from my experience; if you can trust them with your body and sex, you can trust them to understand what works for you and what doesn’t.
When it comes to sex, be efficient. Whatever you enjoy while having sex make sure you and your partner are both comfortable!
Fuck and do “it” like crazy! Or don’t. I won’t tell you what to do.
Whatever you do just remember:
Sex should be fun, not stressful!