Time to be honest about the dead weight in your life. (Psst, your level-up is overdue!)
Whether they’ve been your bestie for years, or your boo-thang for months, sometimes the people you care about leave you more drained than excited. Hang outs feel forced, things that bother you start piling up, you sigh when they call, yet you sit there and take it ‘cause this is the new normal.
On the outside looking in, the answer is simple.
“If they’re not making you happy, get up and leave.” Point, blank, period. End of discussion...except it’s not.
Though it IS fundamentally true, leaving a situation is much harder than being forced out of one. What do I mean by that? When we deal with breakups, both with friendships and romantic partners, there’s usually a catalyst someone can jump on. They cheated on you, they lied to you, you fucked up and hurt them, etcetera etcetera, the list can go on. Point is you have a reason. A solid, concrete, hold-it-with-two-hands reason for why things are ending. But when we’ve outgrown someone, we convince ourselves our reasoning is weak.
“I’ve been friends with them for years, I can’t just throw that away,” he says, but they don’t talk like they used to.
“We don’t have any problems in our relationship, it wouldn’t be fair,” she sighs, missing the freedom of being single.
“The sex isn’t bad, but they want it all the time,” they complain, contemplating how rude it would be to play angry birds while they fucked.
My response to every one of these issues is to LEAVE. Just pack your shit and LEAVE. I’ve said this to many friends—and screamed this many times to myself—but low and behold, none of us seem to listen.
Why? Because ignoring it feels easier.
Ignoring it means we don’t have to deal with the emotional breakup. We don’t need to deal with them lashing out, judgement from others, or any other major/minor inconvenience ending things may entail (and I say inconvenience because if it’s more than that, your relationship is unsafe and toxic, and you need to do what you can to have a safe eject).
Ignoring it may seem like the easier option but trust me when I tell you, it’s not. It turns the shallow feelings you have into anger and resentment. Instead of possibly walking away on good terms, there’s a higher chance you’ll get reckless and do things to trigger a fight (and in turn your way out). Not to mention how long you’ll be stuck in that relationship before that happens.
I don’t know about you, but my time on this floating rock is special as fuck. I don’t want to waste any of it not being as stress free and happy as possible.
I mean, we already have society’s drama to deal with, why add to that bullshit by staying in relationships that don’t serve us?
And on that note, when the FUCK did it become a crime to act for the sole sake of your happiness and mental health?
You don’t owe anyone any reason stronger than, “I’m just not happy.”
Sure they may argue with you, maybe they’ll offer to fix something or change your dynamic, but if you’re truly ready to move on, then do it. Don’t fall back into it just to be stuck with the same cycle.
It’s harder to end things when you tell yourself the state of your happiness isn’t a valid factor, but it sure as hell beats the fuck out of staying. I’ve been there—repeatedly—and I’m not saying it’s fun.
Having conversations that sound like “everything seemed fine, what the hell did I do to you?” is absolutely no cake walk.
Sometimes people are understanding, other times they lash out and make you feel like a villain. And I’ll admit, occasionally the consequences of leaving set me up with an unwarranted anxiety attack. I freak out over what could have been, or what I could’ve done differently. But the biggest of them all, the question that fills me with so much fear...was my mental health really worth ending our friendship?
It’ll take me a second, maybe a tv show or two, but eventually—when I’m back to feeling myself again—the answer I find is a resounding YES.
Though I wouldn’t outwardly admit it, the me back in highschool would’ve never agreed. I had preached to the choir about the importance of happiness, but I stayed and sacrificed mine because I’d known them forever.
It’s been years since we’ve ended, and I’ve never been happier.
I’m not saying it’s not hard, I’m saying it’s worth it.
If ending things means you get to spend time with people who make you laugh? Do it.
If ending things means you get to own your sexual freedom? Do it.
If ending things means you get to finally be free to live and be happy, single, and THRIVING? Fucking. Do. That. Shit.
No matter the question, if it means you’ll be happier—even if it’s just 1% happier—I promise you, from the deepest part of my core,
It’s worth it.
With solidarity and strength,