If I Say I Love You, Will You Say It Back?

I'm a young, single, dream chaser who fears change; here's my love story.

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Source: Wix


7.25.21


Hey Babe,


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I guess I should start by saying I'm sorry.


I'm sorry for not being honest with you. I probably should've told you this a long time ago, and before you hear it from anyone else...I just wanted you to know that...


I love you.


It's ridiculous how much I love you.


My infatuation started when I was little. Six.


Some would call you ‘The Big Apple,’ but I would call you mine.


I have the fondest childhood memories of riding the train with my mom and sissy to visit you.


When we walked around I held my American Girl Doll with one hand and my mom’s with the other. She would tell me to hold on tight, but I was always laughing too loudly to hear her.


She said you were dangerous.

I fell.

Harder.


After all, I’ve always fantasized you.


As I got older and put my dolly away, my feelings grew stronger.


I came to visit you. Alone.


The pace, the people, the opportunity. It was everything. The mere idea of you fulfilled me.

Source: Unsplash


Almost.


Guess what babe?


Dreams really do come true.


Three months ago, I graduated college.


Eight weeks ago, I was in Arkansas visiting an old friend (female, don’t worry mom).


Six weeks ago, I was in Miami without a single real responsibility. Carefree.


Five weeks ago, I started working full-time. I secured a job at the kind of company I always dreamt about working at, just like I knew I could. Honestly, that in itself was the accomplishment.

“In this world, if you don’t fight for yourself, who will?”

(Anna. Mother. Gorgeously brilliant).


Let me preface what I'm about to say with this: I know this job is a dream come true and the opportunity is a blessing that I worked very hard for, so please, don't mistake my words for ingratitude.


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This brings us to today.

Finally, the chance to be with you.


My love-lusted fantasy, our fantasy, has became possible.


In two more months? I imagine I’ll be moving into the overpriced shoe box you’re holding onto for me.


Now that the chase is over, I realize that you scare me just as much as you excite me. Maybe (definitely) even more.


Sadly honey, your prices are criminal, you’re crowded, and let’s be honest, you’ve got a bit of an odor problem.


I lay in bed at night asking myself if it was only about the chase.


What if I don’t have what it takes to do this job and move to you?


To that, the extrovert in me says: this is what you’ve been waiting for, you got this queen. While my inner anxiety screams at me: it’s simply too much – a new job, moving away from my family...it’s too much change. Bail.


Bail.


Would I ever forgive myself if I did?

“Don’t quit without a good reason.”

(Stephen. Father. Iconic).


The truth is, my big girl job, my incredible opportunity, isn’t simple. It wasn’t simple to get here and it won't be simple to keep it either.


Please know that I am in no way an arrogant person, but I graduated Summa Cum Laude as a D1 athlete. I got shit done. Yet, here I am consistently making mistakes, being shy at work, and moving in a state of general confusion. This isn't me.


It’s not that I don't have great coworkers, because I do. The people here really are incredible- helpful, attentive, considerate, and that's just the start.


I can ask them anything. I know I can. Truly.


Yet, the learning curve has been my biggest challenge. Everyone is so intelligent, so on it, that by the time I’ve caught up to what’s happening they’re already eight steps ahead of me.


So it's not for a lack of resources or help that I'm struggling, rather, it's my anxiety.


I can't seem to think fast enough, and the lack of confidence that comes from being new slows me down even more. It's the feeling of being unsure. It's unsettling. All of it provokes my anxiety.

“Nothing worth having comes easily.”

(Frank. Stepfather. Wise).

It's not like I haven't dealt with adversity or worked my ass off before. Every moment of my freshman year at Sacred Heart I had to decide to continue. To stay. Every single day I made the decision not to quit because it was too new, too hard, or too anxiety provoking.


I know new things are scary. Hard. Even impossible sometimes.


I know.


Therefore, I know I have to treat this experience like freshman year. One day at a time, being patient with how I'm feeling. As much as I wish I didn't experience it, I know the anxiety I'm feeling is normal.


Like freshman year, I just have to continue to look at the opportunity I've been given and embrace it. I will succeed because my work ethic will shine through.