A letter to the ex I can't stop thinking about.
Let’s try this again.
How’s it going? It’s been a while since we last saw each other. I know how pathetic it is to bring this shit up now, believe me. Every voice in my head has been telling me, "it’s time to move on," "forget you ever existed," and "find someone new."
But the thing is, no matter how hard I try, no matter how embarrassing it is to admit, I can’t seem to get you out of my head.
I still think about your terrible (great) taste in music, and your stupid (perfect) smile, and your shitty car (that car really was a piece of shit). When I drive through town, I still remember those sneaky parking lot make-outs, where we were too young and too happy to worry about getting caught.
I can’t listen to that song anymore. The one that was playing at Denny’s when we went to get milkshakes instead of going to class, remember?
Do you still think about it?
Oh yeah, and that $40 outfit I wore on our first date is still hanging in the back of my closet getting dusty. You said it looked so good on me, but I never wear it anymore.
I’m not trying to be some crazy ex who’s still living in the past, but sometimes I just can’t help it. I’ll close my eyes, and suddenly I’m 18 again. I don’t know anything, but it doesn’t matter because I’m with you.
I wish it were just the good memories I get reminded of. There were a lot of those. There were a lot of not so good memories too.
There was that time on my birthday when you ignored my calls all day and left me crying alone on the couch. Not to mention all of the broken promises you never fulfilled. So many broken promises.
Even after all this time, the hurt you caused me still hasn’t completely faded away.
Trust me, it’s not like I didn’t try to move on. I did all of the things you’re supposed to do after a breakup. I mean, I cut my hair, listened to dumb breakup songs, ate tons of ice cream, and cried.
Nothing seemed to be enough.
It hurts knowing there’s still a part of you I can’t let go of.
It hurts even more knowing you’ve probably forgotten about me.
Do we ever really forget about a person? Especially someone who used to mean so much to us? Is it really so bad to hang on to certain memories, certain songs, or certain feelings?
I used to think so, but now I’m not so sure…
I started writing this letter, convinced that I would finally be able to forget about you by the end. Honestly, I thought typing this out would be the last step in a long process.
The truth is: I’m not sure I’m ever going to forget about you.
The even bigger truth is: I don’t think I ever really want to.