Fabstinence. Ever heard of it? It's that fantastic, fabulous, fun time in your life when sex just isn't happening for ya. Whether it's by choice, or not, fabstinence can become a crucial time for self-improvement. Below is the rundown of how my dry spell actually ended up soaking my life with newfound pleasures.
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My kissing career has been over ten years long (an impressive ten years might I add). Despite my eventful past, I'm in the midst of my longest hookup hiatus.
One. Whole. Year.
Although my kissing career has been put on pause, something else has begun. The start of my FABstinent journey.
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It was the iconic Michaela Pratt from How to Get Away with Murder who introduced me to the phrase fabstinent. I thought it was cheesy at the time but little did I know fabstinence would become my lifestyle for the past year.
*If you don’t like the phrase fabstinent you can always call it a hetox, shetox, or theytox.
So what is fabstinence all about?
When we think of abstinence, we think of our biology books or the celibacy club from Glee.
But it means so much more than that when it’s a choice.
It's about self-care. Self value. Self love.
Your worth is no longer based on whether or not someone else finds you attractive.
It's based on your opinion of YOU.
The short answer is it's about avoiding dating and sex by focusing on yourself and your needs. Think about how much time you have wasted waiting for a text back? What could you have been doing in those seconds, minutes, or in some case, hours?
Although my fabstinent career has only just begun, I've learned a lot along my journey. Below are ten things that fabstinence has gifted me. Hopefully, you'll see how fabulous alone time can truly be.
(Tiff Perkins)
1. Realizing there's more to brunch conversations than talking about your latest hookup.
Yes, this is hard to believe while in the prime of your twenties, but the lull when friends ask “Any boys?” is kind of empowering. Although you sense the disappointment deep in their soul when you reply "Nah", not having any tea to spill is actually really nice. Rather than talking about boring details of a hookup, you can move onto more interesting conversations that allow you to indulge in your friendships.
2. YOUR time is a gift.
No time wasted with fuckbois and fuckgals being left on seen or getting the right angle for your insta story. In my abstinence, I’ve focused on my hobbies like reading and fitness as well as learning how to drive. All of these things make me a physically and mentally healthier person. Can’t say the same about stalking his ex’s brother’s cat’s uncle.
3. Prioritizing quality time with your friends.
Rather than attempting to make eye contact with the stranger in the corner, you actually listen to what your friends are saying. More importantly, you want to hear what they're saying. Whether it be their problems or another work story, being present in these conversations deeps friendship. And we all know friends are more sturdy than one night stands. Quality time is my love language btw.
4.Your family’s comments don’t bother you.
It’s much more liberating to say yeah I’m not really looking as opposed to rather than I’ve been gaslit three times in the last six months. Shove it, Aunt Olive.
5. Money looks different.
When out hoeing around, sometimes finances can be put on the back burner. Either you get too invested in that person or you literally invest too much into that person. Whatever the action, money can be easily forgotten. However, during my fabstinent journey, I've learned to appreciate the value of a dollar bill. Now, I have my own money to I’ll use for what I want when I want.
6. Values change, for the better.
Gone are the days of spending hours on my hair just to walk a block to the grocery store for some Ramen. Now I don't give a shit if anyone gives me a double-take on the street. The only thing I care about is comfort (right now I barely wear a bra most days). Valuing how you feel over how you look or are trying to look for others, is a freeing feeling.
(Image from Saint Belford)
7. Self-reflection induces needed cringe.
You flicked through your Instagram stories checking if he’d look at them. Girl, what were you thinking? That shirt you wore to catch his? Itchy as fuck. Watching the Lakers just to make small talk that will never happen? Useless. Although each of these moments sends a wave of cringe through your body, they are necessary. This self-reflection cause you to think, "what was I doing?". The answer to this question showed me that I was living my life for other people, not myself.
8. You set your OWN standards in every part of life.
You realize what you can accept and what’s a dealbreaker. You don't give a shit anymore. In a good way. Why settle? There's no reason to accept anything but the best.
9. Get to know yourself.
Rather than wasting your words on a hookup, you have time to ask yourself some tough questions.
Who am I truly?
What do I want out of life?
Am I really happy?
Taking time to date yourself, helps you find answers to these questions. In life, people come and go. But you'll always have yourself. Might as well get to know who you're dealing with.
10. Heightened self-love.
You will probably reflect more on past relationships and you’re more compassionate towards the mistakes you made and what you’ve grown from. Through this, you'll learn that if it was meant to happen it would have. You realize that hooking up with someone for a few months and it never turned to anything more, is just a fat fucking waster of time. Rather this time and energy can be spent on bettering yourself.
Overall, this time will always stand for you.
Listen to your friends. Buy yourself something nice. Value your time. Learn from mistakes. Most importantly, love yourself. Because, at the end of the day, you're all you have.