Can We Talk About The Pill For A Second?

Is anyone else still confused about hormonal birth control?

Getty Images.

Birth control is brilliant, yes. But what the fuck even is it? I’ve been on it since I was 18, I am now 23, and I still have no idea what’s in it or what it’s doing to my body.


Estrogen, progestin, progesterone. What are these, you may ask? This hormone medley is naturally occurring in women’s bodies, but also, created artificially through the ingestion of the birth control pill most of us gals are on.


Did you know?


Apparently, if you’re on the pill, what it’s doing is tricking your body into thinking that you’re pregnant. You start producing the same neurochemicals and hormones as if you actually had a bun in the oven. So not only are we pumping ourselves full of artificial hormones, but the pill also changes who we’re attracted to. Our brains start looking for a man (in heterosexual relationships) who is best fit to protect our future offspring.


An alpha male, if you will.


THE PROBLEM IS, by today’s standards, alpha males are often defined by big, loud cars, axe body spray and those who punch holes in the walls instead of going to therapy. Which explains why we’ve all been dating such assholes since we were 16 years old. It all makes sense now, huh?


A perfect example of how biology has yet to keep up with modern times. It’s 2021, I don’t need an “alpha male” to protect me or my hypothetical offspring, we have street lights and pepper spray for that.


And then what happens when I go off birth control down the line when I actually want to start having kids? Am I no longer going to be attracted to the life partner I picked under the influence of my birth control pills? Curse you Junel Fe.


Birth control side effects really be like:

weight loss, less acne, cancer prevention, less cramping, but also: weight gain, acne, may cause ovarian cancer, increased cramping, high risk for blood clots, depression, etc.


How are you really going to release a product that has five pages of side effects? If it has that many possible negative impacts isn’t it not ready to be ingested by anyone?! Like damn, I know this shit was first released to the masses in the 1960’s but it seems like there have been little to no improvements made to birth control since then. Let’s be better people. I’m not trying to throw a blood clot while I’m on an airplane.


If the side effects are: migraines, weight gain, fatigue and depression, I might as well have a fucking kid at that point? Seems like it would have a similar effect on my body.


Kidding.


But in all seriousness, I would like to encourage scientists to hit the drawing board again with this one. I would happily take my stupid little pill every morning with 0 hesitation if I knew it wasn’t changing the chemical makeup of my brain and who I find attractive as a life partner.


Is this me trying to educate the masses? Or just me trying to place blame for every minor and major inconvenience in my life on my birth control? Who’s to say, really?


Anyways, despite everything I’ve said, if you’re on birth control, make sure you take that shit everyday. We’re not trying to have babies anytime soon, I am but a baby myself. I guess as women we just have to pick and choose our battles, eh?


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