No matter how many times you watch 50 Shades Of Grey, your sex life is never going to go as seamlessly as Christian and Ana’s. Sex is FAR from perfect, so here are some shamelessly true stories of when ‘fuck me’ turned into ‘well, FUCK me.’
Sex is not like the movies.
Like yeah, sex is great, but it’s also messy, awkward, and can be really embarrassing if you don't go in with an open mind (pun intended).
Most people make the mistake by assuming it'll just ~happen~
Clothes don’t magically fly off while making out; you actually have to pause to unbutton your jeans. Positioning; you're going to have to have a quick dialogue about what and who is going where. And don’t even get me STARTED on the awkward delay of mutual nakedness while someone puts on a condom.
Sex can be awkward as fuck, but that’s normal.
And honestly, sometimes that makes it more fun. I've stopped mid-session because we were both so embarrassed that we started laughing our asses off. So, to make you feel better about your mortifying hookups (those don't count as bodies, btw), I asked college students what their cringiest sex stories were.
And damn, I sure do feel better about mine.
#1 The Wannabe Standup Comedian
“So we're like mid-fuck, right? A John Mulaney comedy special is playing in the background. So this kid, who is literally in me, lifts himself up, looks me right in the eyes, and quotes John Mulaney’s punchline, word for word.... then just keeps at it like nothing happened.”
I mean, at least the guy had a good sense of humor. Although, I don't think I'll be adding John Mulaney to my sex playlist anytime soon.
#2 The Twin Bed Tragedy
“Me and this kid were fucking in his dorm and college beds are small. So he tried to flip me over but we were too close to the edge and we fell off the bed.”
Don’t worry, minimal bruising occurred. The worst affected area was the neck ;)
#3 Destination: Not-so Virgin Islands
“So I matched with this guy on Tinder, so I went to his house and right after we were done he said, ‘thanks for riding JetBlue’”
I think this is the one time anyone could be disappointed in JetBlue...
#4 Silence of the Virgin
“This girl and I had hooked up before but we planned to actually fuck this time. I was doing most of the work in the situation, but I let it slide. After we’re done I notice blood on my sheets so I assumed she had her period. But no…right after I finish she says ‘oh yeah, by the way, that was my first time’"
Quite a way to tell someone you haven’t lost your virginity; let them take it from you. Speaking of virginity, what about that scene from Ginny and Georgia when Marcus casually dropped the fact that he was a virgin when they first fucked? Yikes.
Well, I hope he got the blood out of his sheets.
#5 A First Time Flop
“So I slept with a virgin (first mistake) and I literally told him to take my shirt off -- HE BACKS AWAY and tells me to do it. So whatever, he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t know what he’s doing, so I do it.
Finally, we're doing the deed, and he finishes in like a minute...maybe. HE STAYS INSIDE OF ME and lied there like a sweaty dead fish. Then proceeded to ask where to put the used condom..."
1. I’ve never met a straight male who refused to undress a girl. Lowkey impressive.
2. What the fuck are they teaching in sex ed nowadays? Condoms go in the trash.
#6 Boyfriends Birthday Gone Bad
“One time I had sex at a party on my boyfriends birthday and he begged for it so I was like ya. Then halfway through people started pounding on the door so I pretended that I was puking, but they wouldn’t stop knocking and I got panicked. Then he nutted on my pants”
I think my biggest concern here is how he was able to finish while his girlfriend was making puking noises…
#7 A Big Dick, a Choke, and a Bruise
“This kid, HUGE DICK, (lowkey dying), anyway, he was kissing my neck but his chin was pushing down my throat so I couldn’t breathe well. I went to the bathroom after gasping for breath and cried about how huge the hickey was"
... At least the dick was big.
#8 Bruised in All the Wrong Places
"I fucked this kid who lives on the floor below me and the next day my vagina hurt. Next thing I know I'm calling my mom crying, she picks me up to go to the doctor, and I have a huge hematoma on my coochie"
I don't care what anyone says - NO DICK is worth a hematoma... this poor girl.
Sex typically doesn't go as planned, but it's only awkward if you make it awkward.
My suggestion: get rid of those fantasy expectations and just have fun. Laugh off the embarrassment, because in the end, it will all make for a funny story. And although it will definitely make you cringe (for perhaps the rest of your life), it'll make one hell of a story.