No matter how many times you watch 50 Shades Of Grey, your sex life is never going to go as seamlessly as Christian and Ana’s. Sex is FAR from perfect, so here are some shamelessly true stories of when ‘fuck me’ turned into ‘well, FUCK me.’
Sex is not like the movies.
Like yeah, sex is great, but it’s also messy, awkward, and can be really embarrassing if you don't go in with an open mind (pun intended).
Most people make the mistake by assuming it'll just ~happen~
Clothes don’t magically fly off while making out; you actually have to pause to unbutton your jeans. Positioning; you're going to have to have a quick dialogue about what and who is going where. And don’t even get me STARTED on the awkward delay of mutual nakedness while someone puts on a condom.
Sex can be awkward as fuck, but that’s normal.
And honestly, sometimes that makes it more fun. I've stopped mid-session because we were both so embarrassed that we started laughing our asses off. So, to make you feel better about your mortifying hookups (those don't count as bodies, btw), I asked college students what their cringiest sex stories were.
And damn, I sure do feel better about mine.
#1 The Wannabe Standup Comedian
“So we're like mid-fuck, right? A John Mulaney comedy special is playing in the background. So this kid, who is literally in me, lifts himself up, looks me right in the eyes, and quotes John Mulaney’s punchline, word for word.... then just keeps at it like nothing happened.”
I mean, at least the guy had a good sense of humor. Although, I don't think I'll be adding John Mulaney to my sex playlist anytime soon.