Would Greg Heffley Survive College?

Greg Heffley thinks he’s invincible to COVID-19 from his previous encounter with the cheese touch.

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Greg Heffley is the protagonist of the “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” series, but he does not resemble a role model at all. The flawed 13-year old’s moral compass doesn't exist -- maybe I shouldn’t be hating on an 8th grader, though. It is wrong to think he wouldn’t change in the next five years. However, Greg does not show any character development in the book series or the iconic live-action movies.

Greg Heffley wrote about his middle school experience in his personal diary. He noted every moment so screenwriters can nail his tell-all movie in hopes of winning an Academy Award. He was right about having great movies. The “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” movie adaptations are incredible. I probably watch “Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Rodrick Rules” twice a month.

The diary gives Greg a horrible reputation and it’s told from his perspective! You would imagine he’d make himself look good, but he is the absolute worst. His crude ways would follow him to his college career.

Greg craves success, but he will step on anyone that gets in his way. He would declare a major in finance. Why? He knows money rules the world and will always have a job opportunity. He’d think he would finesse his way through business school and land a big boy CEO job fresh out of college. He doesn’t get the idea of entry-level positions or setting up a LinkedIn account. Honestly, he would easily be laundered into a pyramid scheme. Greg would shoot you a dm on Instagram asking if you're interested in becoming an overnight millionaire.

Greg’s thought process in considering where to attend school would involve escaping his pretty average family. He perceives his family as crazy, but they are just passionate about their hobbies. He thinks his dad having a collection of war action figures is bizarre. Let the man be happy, geez. I doubt Greg would call his family and check up on them. Speaking of family, I think Rodrick would be successful with Löded Diper, they’d be the next Green Day.

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Greg would end up at a local state school and live on campus. He knows damn well he can commute, but something about a communal bathroom intrigues him. He wants the big college experience and the thousands of dollars in debt. He would make a massive checklist of items he needs from Bed Bath & Beyond. His mom would pick out a frame that says, “A’s are for cool dudes.” Greg would insist on ordering a “Saturdays are for the boys,” flag.

Greg would meet his roommates at orientation -- not prior over Facebook, no one answered his instant messages. He would think they are the coolest people ever because of the difficulty of their twos truth and one lie. He would proudly wear his school ID on an overly-priced lanyard around his neck. All his school supplies would be university branded even though a notebook from the bookstore is worth a Five Guys burger.

Greg would be eager to attend the first fraternity party of the semester trying to make a good impression. His chances for brotherhood consideration might be slim for drinking bong water and puking on the pledge master. His bid would directly go to the ‘Move to Trash’ folder. However, that would not stop him from dm-ing every frat guy asking, “What’s the move?” on the weekends.

Greg would continue to reflect on his experiences with his passion for writing and fun doodles. It probably won’t spark inspiration to change habits, but at least his thoughts are expressed. He may be a wimpy kid, but he’ll figure it out. Everyone takes a while to figure it out.