P.S. I'm still single
Now that Omegle is trending again, I thought I would take this opportunity to go on the site and try to find a boyfriend for my single ass. After watching TikTok after TikTok of people successfully finding someone they vibe with on Omegle, I had high hopes.
@itsanthonymichael on TikTok
To be honest, it was a shit show.
After stress eating through a cup of frozen yogurt and a 10-piece chicken nugget meal from McDonald’s (as one obviously does before any date), I worked up the courage to put on some Fenty lip gloss and jumpstart my plan to get a man.
The setup for my virtual dating experience consisted of my laptop balancing on a stack of pillows at the end of my bed. I had to risk my MacBook to get those attractive angles, yk? So basically, I was sitting criss-cross applesauce like a small child in my bed with the tapestry I’ve had since freshman year hung on the wall behind me, knowing I was probably about to get bullied by these strangers.
Already overthinking this whole idea, I decided to just get my shit together and go for it.
Omegle.com - Omegle: Talk to strangers!
(The slogan alone scares tf out of me.)
The first 30 minutes were unsuccessful in finding a man but interesting to say the least. I spent around 15 minutes consoling this 14-year-old British girl about her life struggles and then listened to her ramble about the fact that one of her cats got mauled by a dog. Unfortunately, I didn’t get paid at the end of that therapy session.
I spent the next few minutes talking to a high school sophomore about her college plans and the fact that she wants to visit South Korea. It was cool to be able to talk to her about my experience in college so far but at this point, I was ready to talk to the guys.
Halfway through my night and still no boyfriend.
Needless to say, it all went downhill when more guys than girls started flooding the site.
I was boredly skipping through the smokers and the sad boys who weren’t able to hold a conversation with me, let alone date me, when I saw him.
Blonde. Blue eyes. Guitar in hand.
Now, I’m not usually into blondes (like at all). But this guy. This guy was pretty damn cute.
I immediately asked him to serenade me because why not try to live out a fantasy (or two) and he agreed, proceeding to sing me a LOVE SONG.
That moment. That was the reason for my daily scream that night.
When he strung the last chord, I couldn't control myself. What I said next is the reason why I should be 6 feet under right now.
“I think I just fell in love.”
I swear on my life those words actually came out of my mouth. Gross right? I can barely tell guys I’m into them let alone confess my love for them.
So apparently he wasn’t looking for anything serious because he quickly rejected me and skipped.
It’s fine. I didn’t want the Walmart version of Shawn Mendes for a boyfriend anyway.
To give you an idea of how the rest of my convos played out, below are some moments that sum up this entire experience.
“PLEASE DON’T SKIP ME," this kid screamed before immediately skipping me.
"You kinda look like my ex and that's not a compliment."
*drivers license by Olivia Rodrigo starts playing*
“The girl on the left got a whole lot on her mind.”
I was the girl on the left...
“He serenaded you and didn’t expect you to fall in love with him?”
Spoken by this Australian girl who was shocked when I told her I just got serenaded and then rejected when I proclaimed my love to him. She gets me.
“I have an ex on the phone and she says you couldn’t handle me.”
Thanks for the warning girl! Hard pass.
“You wanna see some zucchini?”
I know what you’re thinking and no, it was actually just a picture of an overcooked glob of zucchini on a paper plate.
At the end of the night, I didn’t find a man worth my time. What I did find were a bunch of fucking cool girls who made this experience somewhat wholesome and not a complete waste of time.
When the last girl popped up on the site blasting Olivia Rodrigo’s new single, we vibed together and relished in the heartbreak induced lyrics, perfectly ending my night on Omegle.