Everyone’s form of therapy looks different. There are many emotional outlets and individual ways to cope. Maybe you go on a walk, listen to music, go to actual therapy, do creative work, etc.
Apparently, my weird, niche form of coping is . . . Google Docs? To be precise: Arial font, size 11, and 1.15 line spacing. Very specific.
Actually, these are just the default settings when you create a new document. No artistic choice there, I guess I didn’t want to waste time on that.
You might be asking, your form of therapy is writing essays? Not exactly. Some people write their feelings down on pen and paper, in their notes app, or in their journal. For me, this looked like opening a new document on Google Docs at approximately 12:39 AM last year, and writing 772 emotional words about how I was feeling. (A lot of typos because it’s weirdly hard to write when you’re having a mental breakdown. Who knew?)
These words are sometimes painful to revisit. Not that I read them often, the Google Doc just simply happens to be acquaintances with the rest of my documents and essays from, for example, Psychology, Philosophy, and CIT Seminars. This really raw piece of writing shares the same space as my notes about Freud, Aristotle, and Socrates. Big contrast. Kind of funny.
Honestly, looking back on this . . . I was really dramatic. Too dramatic. My feelings were valid at that time but, wow. I say dramatic because I was too good at waking up the next day after a mental breakdown and pretending nothing happened. Honestly, I should put that skill on my resume.
Geez, that wasn’t me last night. I’m good I’m good, how embarrassing. Let’s stop that, it was stupid.
No wonder I wasn’t necessarily healing. You can’t heal if you keep ignoring the fact that you’re hurt. That’s the first rule.
My mental state was all over the place. I went from talking about my inferiority complex, to my freshman year experience at college, back to being self-critical, and then visited the concept of failed talking stages with certain guys. I mean, get a grip. It all went along the lines of sentences like this:
“Okay, this person is better than you. They have their life and self esteem sorted out, you do not.”
“Why why why why” (That’s my favorite one. Very creative, lots to unpack there).
“It’s like putting up with yourself because you simply have no other choice.”
“I feel like I’m starting to shrink again.”
“A year that I thought would be one of the best years of my life, a new chapter, was tarnished by so much emotional drainage.”
I’ll spare the rest of the dramatic one-liners. Simply because I don’t want all of these to shock anyone or bring the mood down. I am a very happy person now, thank god. Also, imagine writing all of these while switching back and forth between Google Docs and TikTok videos. Yeah see, I was being dramatic. I was fine.
In all seriousness, around this time, I was basically just someone I tolerated. I didn’t hate myself or like myself. I was just indifferent. I knew I was kind, just wasn’t very kind to myself. Very rude of me.
I’m stuck in this cycle and paradox of wanting to be seen as a confident, secure person. Not overly confident though. Humble . . . but not too humble. It’s hard to find this happy medium. Maybe I should just start with knowing that being myself is completely fine.
And maybe I should use a different method next time to get my thoughts out. Google Docs isn’t necessarily known for its utility of being an emotional outlet. I’m just glad I’m in a much better place to laugh about it now. The contrast and humor that I can find in all of this makes it ten times better.
Maybe next time I’ll use Microsoft Word.