And no, you can’t even escape them on ZOOM!
After an extended and looonggg summer at home, I am thrilled to be back at school. It is so great to see my friends and people I haven't seen since before stay at home. However, I've also realized how not good it is to see some people. Here are those people:
Everyone has class with Chad or Brad. They sit in the back (when they actually decide to come to class). Their version of a formal greeting is dabbing each other up. Everyone is their bro. They’re the ones with the Natty Light cans in the background of their zoom call. And when class is in person, they reek of beer and Axe-body-spray. And if he happens to do theater, all the theater kids WORSHIP him. We’ve all met one. They’re loud and obnoxious. Basically, the only person who doesn’t roll their eyes at Chad is Brad and vice versa.
Karen in the making
These people are every professor’s worst nightmare. They’re the ones who try to correct the teacher and live to argue with them. Outside of class, they spend their time asking RAs to speak to the Hall Director, on a daily basis. Virtually, they press the hand raise button on zoom at least five times a class. Post Grad, we better have Kate Gosselin’s hair dresser on speed dial asap.
The Polar opposite of a Karen. These are the people who have the nerve to ask the professor a question after a 2-and-a-half-hour block class. They LIVE for office hours and you can find them in their professor’s office when they’re not in their class. If it’s a virtual class, they’re on the zoom call 20 mins early. Their friend request has been left unanswered on the professor’s Facebook for the entire semester.
That Jerk that doesn’t hold the door and doesn’t wear their mask
Don’t even get me started. These are the only people who have places to be. They’re immune to COVID. It’s their way or no way. No one else matters but them. These people have the biggest heads on campus.
The Walking Bookstore Mannequin
Cue Joey Tribbiani, “COULD I BE WEARING ANY MORE CLOTHES?” I swear, these types of people’s bras and/or underwear have their school logo on it. It’s all they own and all they wear. Their favorite colors are their school’s colors. The weirdest of weirdest flexes. We get it, you go here. So do we.
The People whose major becomes part of their personality.
These types of people EAT, SLEEP, AND BREATHE their majors. They definitely have a tattoo of a quote from their favorite lecture. These people persuade others to have the same major and judge anyone who is, god forbid, studying something else. They hate the liberal arts core classes. Their major is their only personality trait.
The Tik Toker
That awkward moment when you’re waiting in line at the dining hall and the person in front of you is doing the Savage dance. These are the people that you can peep their phone in the corner of their zoom window. Tik Tok Culture is their only culture. They are more focused on becoming tik tok famous than getting their degree.
The professor who thinks their class is the only one we’re enrolled in
I saved this one for last because these professors are THE WORST. They give us an entire career’s worth of work to complete in 4 months. The content tab on their blackboard page is never ending. They hold class for the full period and sometimes even go later. They think their class is the only thing going on in our lives.
Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk of the people on campus who really just grind my gears.