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  • MUD

Relationships, Man

Quarantine either broke couples up, or made them stronger.

My boyfriend and I had been dating for a little less than a year when we were separated by the pandemic. Living halfway across the country from each other was more difficult than I ever anticipated. With technology, you would think maintaining a long distance relationship would be somewhat easy.

At least, that’s what I believed.

Going into quarantine, we were at a weird spot in our relationship. During the entire spring semester, I was at a low point mentally. I had dropped out of a couple of my clubs and felt lost at college. The only constant in my life was my boyfriend; needless to say I grew super dependent on him.

Any sort of positive emotion I felt during the early months of 2020 stemmed from my boyfriend. It reached the extent that I dreaded being by myself. Or even just going out with friends. I only wanted to be with him. Which, looking back now, it was entirely unfair to place my dependency on a person with their own life.

I ended up creating unrealistic expectations for him in my mind, which he usually failed to meet, and that ultimately led to disappointment.

So when he didn’t reciprocate the same energy and effort I felt I was giving him, I would feel crushed. And then fights would occur–and they occurred often.

Then came quarantine, and I was forced to be by myself. He was no longer two minutes away, rather hundreds and hundreds of miles from me. With the most thrilling part of our days being daily walks around the block, we eventually ran out of things to talk about.

When you have nothing but time to talk, but nothing to talk about, what do you do?

Our Facetime calls were filled with complete silence with us scrolling through social media aimlessly. Somehow, these calls were still the highlight of my day. Then I got replaced by video games. The amount of times we Facetimed dwindled, and I was lucky if I got at least one night out of the week to talk with him.

Communication from there went downhill. Despite having nothing to talk about, we found things to argue about. Every. Single. Day. It became the norm. And if that isn’t a red flag, I don’t know what is.

Any time we were seemingly back on track, we soon fell off. It was either miscommunication or a misunderstanding.

Regardless, I had never experienced such high levels of anxiety. Getting a notification from him no longer gave me butterflies. Instead, agony flowed throughout my body as I tried to recall if anything we were talking about could’ve been turned into an argument. We were spiraling. I felt as helpless as a skydiver with no parachute, bracing for impact. I was more than ready to end it.