Stop Mirroring Your Friends' Personalities to Please Them

Jul 8, 2023

You're cooler than you think, give yourself credit. But if you don't know where to begin, here's how to get a grasp of who you are.

How to stop being a people pleaser? Getting to know your personality is an ongoing journey. There's no one-size-fits-all approach, and what works for one person may not work for another. But the most important thing is to be patient and persistent. The more you learn about yourself, the more you'll be able to live a fulfilling life that is true to your own unique personality. If you want to stop pleasing people by mirroring their personality and own your own personality, then read this. — Photo: Unsplash

There is constant scenario I'm unable to escape at the moment. I meet someone new, or it could be even a friend who I hang out with often, and suddenly, I match their tone and behavior. I used to think of this as "matching their energy." But slowly, I found myself using words and gestures they do every time we hang out. No other time.

This is not matching your bestie's energy. This is mirroring it for the sake of pleasing them, or in my case, could also be a coping mechanism to constantly "show up" even when you don't have energy to hang out.

Mirroring someone's personality might seem like a solid strategy, especially if you're interacting with someone you admire or want something from. For example, if you attend a job interview, it's easy to pace yourself with the interviewer's vibe. If they get excited, you get excited. If they are serious and stoic, you are serious and stoic. In these scenarios, I'd say mirroring a personality could be a successful tactic. But it's not healthy for your daily life.

When we create connections with people socially, we need to put our true selves forward. And I'm saying this for your benefit, not for some morality bullshit. The reality is that if you're constantly performing in front of your friends, you'll grow exhausted. You become burned out, and those friendships tend to fizzle out. You're constantly giving and not receiving, which results in an unbalanced scale. When it comes to your friendships and daily interactions, you should walk them without a mask. Believe me, you might think there's no other way. But as you slowly start to embrace who you are, people who appreciate you for you will start to appear. In other words, you'll find your people.

But what if I don't know what my personality is?

This is a fair question. Especially for recovering people pleasers, your personality might seem like a unicorn. But remember that your personality can be seen as any habit and behavior that feels second nature. Don't hold back on words because you're not sure if they will sound "cool" and certainly encourage your friends to do things you also love, not just things they want to do. Slowly, you'll find that your personality can't be lost. It is a compilation of all the things you enjoy doing and believe in. It's like a bursting light you can't keep hiding from others. Some will appreciate it, some won't vibe with it. That's life. But even if it's harder for you to find people who appreciate it, your relationships and friendships will feel nurturing rather than heavy, and they will last longer.

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