There are a lot of things that are scary in college, but shaving your legs is the scariest. So, take my hand, and let's get through this together.
College bathrooms are grimy and damp pits from hell. Getting ready for a dorm shower is like preparing for battle. Arm yourself with a bar of soap, put on your rubber slides, and cling to your towel as you waddle out of your room – hoping and praying the soccer team down the hall can’t see your ass.
Once you make it to the bathroom, step into the cement cell that your college is calling a shower. Make sure to tip-toe over the minefield of hairballs and the piles of toxic goop. Duck and cover as sheets of cold water pelt your back, and try not to shiver. In about 72 hours, the water will get warm enough to stand under.
Now, you are ready to begin:
1. Take Your Time
Getting into the shower was hard. I’m proud of you for making it here. Now take a deep breath, shake out those nerves, and relax. Yes, what you just saw out of the corner of your eye is a cockroach. Don’t let him freak you out. You don’t want any knicks or neglected patches of hair, so go slow and take your sweet time.
2. The Wall Is Your Friend
You may be thinking at this point that you need to be a contortionist or Simone Biles to do this task. Start by raising one leg and placing your foot against the wall. Now, you look like a dog at a fire hydrant, and you have a beautiful view of your shin. The higher you can get your leg, the better, but be careful not to squash the shower-roach.
Make sure to keep your shoes on so you can use the rubber soles of your slides as suction cups, making sure you are not going to slip. There is nothing in this world that is more embarrassing than having campus security finding you naked on the floor of the shower. No, I am not speaking from experience…
3. Stay Standing At All Times
This is not your home. This is just a school with linoleum floors, and you happen to be crashing here for a while. Your family is not here. Instead of your mom, hundreds of frat guys, acapella singers, and hungover college kids are using this shower– everyday. Do. Not. Sit. Down. I know you’re tired and it may seem tempting to pop a squat and finish the job in a more comfortable position. Don’t do it. Push through the pain. If I hear that you sat down, I will be personally putting shower-roach under your pillow tonight.
4. Make A Rough Draft
It’s okay to make mistakes! Shower-roach has seen much worse, he is not here to judge you. Don’t be afraid to go over your work a few times and do some touch-ups. Try using the foot on the wall method for round one, and go back for another round standing up or bent in half. Maybe try twisting around to get the back of your thigh or putting your toe to your knee like a ballerina. Get creative. You are an artist.
5. Get The F**k Out
I know, I know. I just said to take your time. Honestly, I was just trying to get you to relax. Now I need you to pick up the pace and get the hell out of there. Who knows what diseases are currently entering your body in that cesspool you’re standing in: athlete’s foot, Covid-26, and thousands of the ghosts of dead shower-roaches. You look amazing, you feel great, now book it out of there while you’re still alive.