Fuck Parties, Let’s Day Drink

If you're like me, spring only means one thing: darties, day drinks, dages - whatever you want to call them.

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I enjoy a good party as much as the next guy, but there is something different about that first sip of lukewarm Busch Light at noon. Does it taste good? Is it enjoyable? Hell fucking no. But that’s what it takes to get the day started.

You could place brunch-goers and dartiers in the same category: a quirky and edgy personality trait used to cover up alcoholism and being blacked out by 2 P.M.

I choose to see it in a different light.

Day drinking is a competitive sport that takes more stamina than a triathlon. You need the pace of Lance Armstong on the Tour de France while maintaining the energy of Pauly D at Seaside (the one in Jersey, duh).

You need to be willing to wake up hours earlier than you’d prefer and leave everything you have out on the combination of dead grass and dirt that your landlord calls a “backyard.”

Dagers are warriors, partiers are just… drunk people.

When have you ever seen cornhole turn into a full on dodgeball game at a house party? Never. This magic can only happen at a darty.

Plus, I’d much rather play Spikeball, KanJam, or cornhole when I can barely walk than play beer pong for three hours straight in a hot and stuffy living room that I can barely move around in.

Here’s my favorite part about day drinking: when it’s all over, you can choose any drunk food you want because it’s 6 P.M. (even though it feels like 10 P.M.) and everything is still open. This is a blessing compared to having to choose between McDonald’s and Wendy’s at 2 A.M. after a party.

If you have never day drank, I feel sorry for you. On the bright side, warm weather is coming and all you need is some alcohol, friends, and the willingness to stomach beers at noon.

I would say pace yourself too, but who the fuck am I to tell you how to live? Puke your brains out three hours after you wake up; you do you.

If you’re waiting for me to say, “day drinking isn’t for everyone,” keep waiting. Anyone (of age, obviously) can and should darty.