The difference between getting fucked and making love. Not that I would know.
"Hey Siri, play S.L.U.T. by Bea Miller"
Slut: a woman that likes sex too much? Lol. Like that's supposed to be a bad thing.
Trust me, I've done my fair share of fucking and getting fucked. You don't believe me? Let me give you a sample of my list:
The one who took my virginity doggy style
The one who shifted my IUD and punctured my uterus
The one I lied to my friends about
The one who called me pushy when I wouldn't send him nudes
The one who's captain of his D1 team
The one who gave me a shower concussion
The one who moaned louder than me
The one I wish I dated
The one who fucked me in a booze cruise bathroom
The one who gave me Chlamydia
Which begs the following questions:
What type of guys do you like?
A. Scrawny and white
B. A sexy accent
C. Black and muscular
D. Someone who compliments me
E. A flirty personality
F. All of the above
I’ve been told that I have ‘no type’ by most of the petty men that I reject. As if they’re entitled to my company.
What kind of sex do you like?
A. Awkward, movie style
B. 365 dirty af style
C. Fifty Shades kinky style
D. All of the above
Where's the weirdest place you've had sex?
A. In a gas station office with my restraining-order-type-stalker ex
B. Somewhere in the woods with my knees deep in wood chips
C. At a model’s villa (the pool)
D. Outside, with my hands in a pile of snow
E. All of the above
In each of those questions, just imagine 100 more unlisted answers.
My point is that I’ve had some amazing (and shitty) sex.
Why so much sex?
Well, to put it simply, I’ve been de-sensitized to sex.
MAYBE it’s because of the way I lost my virginity to my delinquent boyfriend when I was 15 and impressionable. You could say I was eager to please. But back then, he made Christian Grey (daddy) look like an amateur. He did, however, teach me how to fuck, and I will always be appreciative of that.
MAYBE it’s because I had a sexual awakening in college.
With all of the new male attention, I've felt encouraged to have sex with whoever I want, whenever I want. When it comes to sex, I never get rejected. I’ll decide who, and that night they're in my bed (btw, I do know how arrogant that sounds).
Whatever the reason, sex is as meaningless to me as last week’s leftovers.
So yes, I’ve fucked, but I’ve never made love.
I’m good in bed. I give great head. I’ll make you cum in a matter of minutes, but is that all I am?
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to take a more mature approach to casual sex. Before, it was all, fuck whoever with no consideration of consequences, now, I know there need to be rules (thank you Chlamydia).
Here are my personal rules for casual sex.
It’s okay to have sex with someone I desire as long as they:
Are willing to use a condom
Interest me when I'm sober
I’ve been following that. Truly.
I recently had sex with someone I’ve been on and off with (only sexually) for over a year. He checks all of the boxes, at least I thought he did.
It’s like… when I look him in the eye, when he looks at me, we’re looking into each other. I wanna jump his bones when I get 'the look' and have to bite my inner lip.
It’s him. It's our vibe.
Well, when we were alone in my room I tried to move his mask to kiss him, but he didn’t let me. I thought he was playing, so I tried again… he told me not to.
We didn’t kiss...
I tried to look at him but he was being standoffish. He didn't give me the look. Our look.
We didn’t eye fuck...
He pulled out a condom as I stepped out of my panties, leaving everything else on.
He didn’t touch me...
He slapped the condom on, bent me over the side of my bed, and ‘fucked me’
He didn’t look at me...
It was over before the first song ended. We didn’t change positions, and no, I didn’t finish. Not that it was any concern of his.
He left the cum-filled condom on my dresser and left.
He came in under one minute, yet, I felt embarrassed.
I finally realized that he doesn't respect me. How could he? He wouldn't even let me kiss him.
Somehow, it’s probably always been like that, but I simply never cared before.
I would tell myself that it technically didn't matter since we've already had sex. I was merely recycling.
I wanna know what it's like to make love.
I want to find someone so irresistibly attractive that I can't imagine not having them. I want to love someone 24/7, not just at 2 a.m. I want to fall in love with someone, with their essence.
I've watched so many rom-coms about two people who glance at each other from across a room and feel something undeniable. They go on dates. They build something. Then they make love. They don't fuck.
They caress, they're soft, they're vulnerable with each other.
When I have sex, I'm used to hearing things like:
"Call me daddy"
"Your body is amazing"
"I know you like that"
I wonder what I'd hear if I was with someone who loved me. I wonder what Derek Shepherd says to Meredith Grey... I imagine phrases like:
"I love you"
"Do you like that?"
I want a love story. Something special. I want to be so ridiculously and madly in love that when I have sex, I feel it in every inch of my body. That even my heart feels satisfied afterwards.
I want sex to mean something.
So call me a S.L.U.T. if you want, but my DMs are closed. Don't wait while I search for love, passion, and myself.